Securing a safety net

Camille wrote: “I am very excited and nervous about this whole college application thing. I have one big problem though. I created a list of schools that I seem interested in. None of them are Ivy League schools but they are tough schools too such as NYU, Rutgers, Boston, etc. And the problem is I am not the number 5 in class and my average is about a B. So I don’t know what school to make as my “safe” because all the safe schools aren’t schools that I seem interested in or good schools. So what do you think?”

Thanks for the question, Camille. [And yes, I understand what you mean!] The decision for which schools to label as “safety” is a pretty tough one, especially when the ones you really like are more selective with their admissions. Before I go into that, however, I just want to let you [and everyone else out there] know that just because you aren’t at the top of your class doesn’t mean that 1) you aren’t still awesome and 2) you won’t get into a college that you like. While grades are an important part of your admissions application, they are not the only part. Essays, recommendation letters, and extra-curriculars are also taken into consideration during the review of your application, so don’t count yourself out just yet. And please don’t sell yourself short. I’m sure you worked hard for your B average so you should be proud of yourself. I’ve worked with plenty of student who had less than that and still went to college. So take a deep breath and relax.

From the schools that you named in the post, it seems like you have a pretty good handle on what you’re interested in. Since it sounds like the top two sections of the ‘reach-probably-safety’ list of schools are pretty much filled out, it’s time to focus on the third. A good way to figure out which ones would be a good fit is to apply the criteria for the schools you like to schools that you are confident that you can get accepted to. Figure out why you are attracted to the ones on your list and look for these qualities in other, less competitive schools. For example, if you like larger schools in urban/highly populated areas [like the ones you mentioned], then maybe you would be interested in schools like Temple University or the University of Maryland. Websites like CollegeBoard and the Princeton Review have search engines where you can do this with relative ease. The key is to find ones that will fit in with what you need to be a successful college student. If you are concerned that they aren’t “good” schools, visit them to find out for sure. Trust me, once you set foot on a campus you will be able to tell if you can see yourself there for the next few years, or if you should keep looking.

There is no way to guarantee that you will be accepted into any school, but the only way guarantee that you won’t get in is by not applying. College admissions is a bit of a crap shoot, so stay positive. Don’t let a school’s hype intimidate you and make you think that your accomplishments aren’t good enough… because they are! Keep in mind that what makes any school a “good” one is its ability to help you reach your dreams. It may not be the one ranked #1 by U.S. News & World Report or the one whose basketball team makes it to the Final Four every year, but it will be the one that is right for you.

mama drama

Stacy wrote: “I feel like my mom is pressuring me into a certain school.  We go to visit a few and then she says she likes one the best and when i say i’m not sure about it she just says, “well why not? i love it”…what should i do?”

 

wow, Stacy, it sounds like you’re in a pretty tough spot. while it’s great that your mom is taking an active interest in your decisions, it sounds like you’re wishing that she would also take a step back (or like five steps back) and let you figure it out for yourself. this sort of conflict is really common between parents and teens during the college admissions process, so don’t for a second think that you’re alone in wanting to yell “BACK THE [bleep] OFF!” whenever your mom brings up the subject of college.

i don’t want to pretend like i know why your mom is acting like this since i’ve never met her, but i’ve seen this situation enough to have an idea of what you’re going through. here are some things that you may want to consider that may put things in perspective:

• your mom wants the best for you. it is obvious that your mom cares about you and your future, or else she wouldn’t be so invested in the process. believe it or not, you’re pretty luck to have this. i’ve worked with some students whose parents don’t have the time or resources to even take their child on a visit, so while she might be annoying, remember that her actions are based in love.
• your mom is probably used to making big decisions for you. it’s hard for many parents to take a back seat on such a big decision as where to their child will go to college, especially if they are accustomed to making all of the decisions, big or small. think about it. for all of your life, it’s been your mom’s job to decide things for you rather than with you. right now it’s your turn, but it’s hard for her to break the habit.
• your mom thinks she’s being helpful in giving you her opinion. if you haven’t explicitly told her that she’s not helping by giving you her opinions about the schools you visit, then it is quite possible for your mom tot have no idea about how they are affecting you.

by no means am i saying that you should sit back and take her opinions as your own. you have ideas for a reason, and since you are the one who will have to be in a particular college setting for the next four years, your opinions are definitely more important than anyone else’s. below are a few ideas that will help the relationship between you and your mom as your progress deeper into the choice process.

• have an answer ready. if you know your mom is going to ask your opinion when you visit a school, prepare one! all you have to do is remember one thing you liked and one thing you didn’t like about each school you visit, so when she says, “what did you think?” you can confidently reply, “i liked A because… but i didn’t like B because…” and compare them. this way, it’ll show her that you are paying attention on visits and are really thinking about what will suit you.
• if you actually don’t have a strong opinion about a school, tell her why. it’s okay to be unclear about a school… that’s the whole point of going on a visit in the first place. if you can’t form a definitive positive or negative idea about a school, tell her the pros and cons and tell her why they are the pros and cons. again, the idea is to make her realize that you are thinking and taking this seriously. and remember, you don’t have to make any concrete decisions until you get the acceptance letters.
• talk to her. chances are, your mom has no idea about how much pressure you are feeling and how she is contributing to it. this could be tough, but talking is the only way to truly understand each other. if you’re feeling anxious about it, just think of how much stress will be lifted from an already stressful situation just by having an honest conversation.

i’m really glad, Stacy, that you recognize that the decision about where to go to college needs to be your own. some students rely too much on what their parent thinks about a school or where their parent wants them to go, which is usually a recipe for disappointment. the key in your situation is to get on the same page with your mom. let her know what you’re looking for in a college, so she doesn’t spend the entire visit focusing on things that you don’t care about. while i can’t guarantee that this will eliminate all future conflicts in the college admissions process, it should provide you with better point of communication with your mom, which is something that your relationship seems to be missing.

the upside of “undecided”

some people enter the college admissions process with a clear idea of what they want to be when they “grow up.” they know what they want to do, where they want to go for grad/professional school (because that’s where most people end up!), where they plan to live… their lives are completely mapped out. in their heads, at least. they don’t have to go through the ‘oh crap, i need to pick a major’ panic attack that hits the majority of high school & college students when it comes time to make that decision. making that choice is tough, even if you have an idea of what you want to do. that act of writing it down and making it official is what gets a lot of people all riled up.
at columbia, we had to formally declare our major at the end of sophomore year, and i remember my roommie having a series of minor breakdowns at the thought of declaring, even though she knew exactly what she wanted to do. i, on the other hand, never took it seriously, and officially changed my major like 5 times before graduation and didn’t truly realize what i wanted to do with myself until almost a year after i graduated. this may sound weird and flaky (and it kind of is, i’ll admit it), but it worked out because all of the trial and error helped me figure out what i didn’t want to do.
this option often goes unused, with students thinking that once they make a choice they have to stick to it… or else. which is completely not true! trying different things and ruling out the ones that don’t work gives you a foundation for making an informed decision when the time comes. and even if you choose something that turns out to be a bad fit, there is always an out. in a way, choosing a major is a lot like dating: you don’t marry someone on the first date; you have to see what they’re like and if you really like them. if not, you’re just setting yourself up for an unhappy time.
it is important to remember that nothing is set in stone. ever. the ‘intended major’ that you put on your application can be changed once you get to campus. the ‘declared major’ that goes on your official papers can be changed, usually until a semester before graduation. keep in mind that making changes later in the game could cause you to have additional coursework and perhaps add extra time to your undergraduate career, but don’t let that stop you if it is something that you really want to do. happiness is key, because there is nothing better than doing what you love. trust me.