mama drama

Stacy wrote: “I feel like my mom is pressuring me into a certain school.  We go to visit a few and then she says she likes one the best and when i say i’m not sure about it she just says, “well why not? i love it”…what should i do?”

 

wow, Stacy, it sounds like you’re in a pretty tough spot. while it’s great that your mom is taking an active interest in your decisions, it sounds like you’re wishing that she would also take a step back (or like five steps back) and let you figure it out for yourself. this sort of conflict is really common between parents and teens during the college admissions process, so don’t for a second think that you’re alone in wanting to yell “BACK THE [bleep] OFF!” whenever your mom brings up the subject of college.

i don’t want to pretend like i know why your mom is acting like this since i’ve never met her, but i’ve seen this situation enough to have an idea of what you’re going through. here are some things that you may want to consider that may put things in perspective:

• your mom wants the best for you. it is obvious that your mom cares about you and your future, or else she wouldn’t be so invested in the process. believe it or not, you’re pretty luck to have this. i’ve worked with some students whose parents don’t have the time or resources to even take their child on a visit, so while she might be annoying, remember that her actions are based in love.
• your mom is probably used to making big decisions for you. it’s hard for many parents to take a back seat on such a big decision as where to their child will go to college, especially if they are accustomed to making all of the decisions, big or small. think about it. for all of your life, it’s been your mom’s job to decide things for you rather than with you. right now it’s your turn, but it’s hard for her to break the habit.
• your mom thinks she’s being helpful in giving you her opinion. if you haven’t explicitly told her that she’s not helping by giving you her opinions about the schools you visit, then it is quite possible for your mom tot have no idea about how they are affecting you.

by no means am i saying that you should sit back and take her opinions as your own. you have ideas for a reason, and since you are the one who will have to be in a particular college setting for the next four years, your opinions are definitely more important than anyone else’s. below are a few ideas that will help the relationship between you and your mom as your progress deeper into the choice process.

• have an answer ready. if you know your mom is going to ask your opinion when you visit a school, prepare one! all you have to do is remember one thing you liked and one thing you didn’t like about each school you visit, so when she says, “what did you think?” you can confidently reply, “i liked A because… but i didn’t like B because…” and compare them. this way, it’ll show her that you are paying attention on visits and are really thinking about what will suit you.
• if you actually don’t have a strong opinion about a school, tell her why. it’s okay to be unclear about a school… that’s the whole point of going on a visit in the first place. if you can’t form a definitive positive or negative idea about a school, tell her the pros and cons and tell her why they are the pros and cons. again, the idea is to make her realize that you are thinking and taking this seriously. and remember, you don’t have to make any concrete decisions until you get the acceptance letters.
• talk to her. chances are, your mom has no idea about how much pressure you are feeling and how she is contributing to it. this could be tough, but talking is the only way to truly understand each other. if you’re feeling anxious about it, just think of how much stress will be lifted from an already stressful situation just by having an honest conversation.

i’m really glad, Stacy, that you recognize that the decision about where to go to college needs to be your own. some students rely too much on what their parent thinks about a school or where their parent wants them to go, which is usually a recipe for disappointment. the key in your situation is to get on the same page with your mom. let her know what you’re looking for in a college, so she doesn’t spend the entire visit focusing on things that you don’t care about. while i can’t guarantee that this will eliminate all future conflicts in the college admissions process, it should provide you with better point of communication with your mom, which is something that your relationship seems to be missing.

roommie drama 101

there are few things that produce more anxiety in college-bound students than thinking about their future roommate(s). the thought of living with a complete stranger (and hating it) is enough to make some students contemplate being commuter students or living off-campus from day 1. this is entirely understandable, seeing how most of us have never had to live in such close quarters with anyone outside of our own families before… and sometimes we don’t even get along with them! people usually jump to the worst possible scenario (“what if i HATE them?”) without considering that it might be cool to live with someone who they’re never met before. (you might even get to like them!) even though problems are bound to arise between any roommates, even those who are BFF beforehand, it is probably not a good idea to enter the situation knowing that you’re going to hate it (or the other person). because you probably will, and you definitely won’t give it a chance. being open-minded is always a good thing.
despite even the best of intentions, issues will come up that will need to be addressed. below are some of the more common roommate disputes that i had to resolve back in the day when i was a resident advisor (RA).

• tidiness: one roommie is bothered by the general cleaning habits (or lack thereof) of the other. sometimes the cleaner one was a bit OCD, but other times it was completely valid… & completely disgusting!
• noise levels: one roommie is louder or engages in louder activities than the other.
• study habits: one roommie needs complete silence to study while the other needs the tv, ipod, & radio on in order to function.
• bf/gf issues: the double becomes a triple when one roommie gets into a relationship.

while all situations (listed or not) are different, there are a few general ways to fix or even prevent them.

• headphones: this is usually the simple, easy answer to roommate drama, especially when it involves noise and studying. my frosh year roommie and i had different tastes in everything, but we managed to survive together thanks in large part to the fact that everything that emits a sound has a headphone jack.
• roommate contract: sounds really corny, but it’s definitely helpful. at the beginning of the year, you and your roommie fill out a sheet with what you agree to do in order to make the dorm space comfortable for both of you. agreeing to things like ‘i won’t bring people over past 10pm on a weeknight’ and ‘i won’t hit the snooze alarm for an hour’ will help your relationship get off to a good start and help you become a more considerate roommate. your RA might have these, but there are downloadable forms that you and your new roommate can fill out together.
• mediation with RA or other res life person: when a serious issue comes up, it is best to talk to your RA (or the equivalent). RAs know the residential life rules the best and can help you and your roommie make the best decision about your future.
• roommate swap: if it gets that bad, then look into switching rooms… provided that there are some available.

it is important to note that most problems can be solved through open communication between you and your roommate. in most of the roommate mediations that i was part of, the issues were those that had been festering for a long time. if something that your roommate does annoys you, don’t just wait to see if they change it, because they probably won’t. speak on it the first or second time so that you don’t blow up at them the tenth or eleventh time. in other words, try to fix it in september so that you’re not fighting about it in march.