mama drama

Stacy wrote: “I feel like my mom is pressuring me into a certain school.  We go to visit a few and then she says she likes one the best and when i say i’m not sure about it she just says, “well why not? i love it”…what should i do?”

 

wow, Stacy, it sounds like you’re in a pretty tough spot. while it’s great that your mom is taking an active interest in your decisions, it sounds like you’re wishing that she would also take a step back (or like five steps back) and let you figure it out for yourself. this sort of conflict is really common between parents and teens during the college admissions process, so don’t for a second think that you’re alone in wanting to yell “BACK THE [bleep] OFF!” whenever your mom brings up the subject of college.

i don’t want to pretend like i know why your mom is acting like this since i’ve never met her, but i’ve seen this situation enough to have an idea of what you’re going through. here are some things that you may want to consider that may put things in perspective:

• your mom wants the best for you. it is obvious that your mom cares about you and your future, or else she wouldn’t be so invested in the process. believe it or not, you’re pretty luck to have this. i’ve worked with some students whose parents don’t have the time or resources to even take their child on a visit, so while she might be annoying, remember that her actions are based in love.
• your mom is probably used to making big decisions for you. it’s hard for many parents to take a back seat on such a big decision as where to their child will go to college, especially if they are accustomed to making all of the decisions, big or small. think about it. for all of your life, it’s been your mom’s job to decide things for you rather than with you. right now it’s your turn, but it’s hard for her to break the habit.
• your mom thinks she’s being helpful in giving you her opinion. if you haven’t explicitly told her that she’s not helping by giving you her opinions about the schools you visit, then it is quite possible for your mom tot have no idea about how they are affecting you.

by no means am i saying that you should sit back and take her opinions as your own. you have ideas for a reason, and since you are the one who will have to be in a particular college setting for the next four years, your opinions are definitely more important than anyone else’s. below are a few ideas that will help the relationship between you and your mom as your progress deeper into the choice process.

• have an answer ready. if you know your mom is going to ask your opinion when you visit a school, prepare one! all you have to do is remember one thing you liked and one thing you didn’t like about each school you visit, so when she says, “what did you think?” you can confidently reply, “i liked A because… but i didn’t like B because…” and compare them. this way, it’ll show her that you are paying attention on visits and are really thinking about what will suit you.
• if you actually don’t have a strong opinion about a school, tell her why. it’s okay to be unclear about a school… that’s the whole point of going on a visit in the first place. if you can’t form a definitive positive or negative idea about a school, tell her the pros and cons and tell her why they are the pros and cons. again, the idea is to make her realize that you are thinking and taking this seriously. and remember, you don’t have to make any concrete decisions until you get the acceptance letters.
• talk to her. chances are, your mom has no idea about how much pressure you are feeling and how she is contributing to it. this could be tough, but talking is the only way to truly understand each other. if you’re feeling anxious about it, just think of how much stress will be lifted from an already stressful situation just by having an honest conversation.

i’m really glad, Stacy, that you recognize that the decision about where to go to college needs to be your own. some students rely too much on what their parent thinks about a school or where their parent wants them to go, which is usually a recipe for disappointment. the key in your situation is to get on the same page with your mom. let her know what you’re looking for in a college, so she doesn’t spend the entire visit focusing on things that you don’t care about. while i can’t guarantee that this will eliminate all future conflicts in the college admissions process, it should provide you with better point of communication with your mom, which is something that your relationship seems to be missing.

parental control

dealing with parents during the college admissions process is sometimes more stressful than the process itself. not only are you trying to figure out where you want to go and what you want to major in, but you have your parents (and probably every other adult you come in contact with) breathing down your neck and making less than helpful ‘suggestions’ about how you should prepare for the rest of your life. even though their advice can range from harmless (“do what you want”) to harmful (“do what i want”), it usually has the effect of making you freak out, stress out, & burn out even more. while it is totally normal to have these feelings, there are ways to get your parents to realize that they aren’t being as helpful as they think they are.

it might not be the best idea to straight up tell your parents to “back the [bleep] off” because 1) parents tend not to like being told that & 2) it’ll probably add to the stress in your life instead of reducing it. however, showing them that you have things under control and that you will seek out their advice when you need it could go pretty far in getting them to ease up a bit. the keyword in that last sentence is SHOWING, because saying one thing then doing another won’t get you anywhere. do research on your own, make some decisions, and let them in on your terms, not theirs. it’ll show them (and maybe even you) that you’re really taking this seriously and being an adult about it. they’ll respect that and probably start treating you differently in other ways, too.

another way to get your message across is to have a concrete answer to any question asked, even if it’s a little on the bull side. this works really well with the random adults who ask a lot of questions even though they don’t really care. people meddle when they think you don’t know what you’re doing, so just act like you do. (“fake it til you make it” as tyra banks says.) it’s pretty easy to predict the things people will ask, so prepping your answers in advance shouldn’t be too hard. (it’s also great practice for interviewing for jobs in the future!) check out the example:

old person: “where do you want to go?”
you: “ABC university.”
old person: “where else are you applying?”
you: “EFG, QRS, XYZ.”
old person: “what do you want to major in?”
you: “random subject.”
old person: “wow. good luck.”

 

these are just a few easy ways to get some space so you can make the tough decisions. just remember that your parents are there to provide the support that you need to be able to make the right choices. bouncing ideas off of them is not a terrible idea, just make sure that you’re all on the same page.

viewer mail!

 

here are my responses to a few questions that were messaged to me. if you don’t see yours, check back in a bit! i’m in the process of answering everything. thanks for asking, and keep the questions coming!

Q: is it better to visit colleges with friends or parents? my parents want to go together and look this summer, but i don’t want to go with them.

 

A. that’s a really great question. if my mom were to answer, she’d say something like, “you have to go with them because they’re going to be paying for it.” it’s the typical parent answer that usually has to be respected because, well, they’re usually the ones who are paying for it. also, your parents will want to help out in the decision-making process because this is a big step for them as well. they’ll want to know that the place where you will be spending the next few years of your life is a safe, healthy environment. many parents see the college admissions process as one of the last (and definitely one of the largest) decisions about your life that they will have an influence on. understanding these facts may make it easier for you to realize why your parents want to look at schools with you.

 

this doesn’t mean, however, that you have to sit back and allow them to make the decisions for you. since you are the one who will actually be attending the college, it is important for your own sanity that you have a say in the process as well. perhaps before you visit any schools, you should sit down with your parents and lay out for them the parts of the college that are important to you. for example, they may value the school’s rank while you may be more swayed by the campus community. clearing the air in this way will relieve a lot of the tension that this process causes. also, you all will be on the same page and they may be less likely to push their thoughts and feelings onto you once you are on a college campus. you can most certainly bring friends with you on the visits, and they will probably make them way more fun, but realize that the final decision is ultimately up to you.

 

Q: what about summer college classes? i heard that they count the same as AP credit classes do, 1.0 extra points. is this true, and is it the same for community college as regular college?

 

A. taking college classes in the summer will help your transcript stand out, provided that you do well in them. a good bet would be to take courses that either supplement your high school offerings (like if you’re interested in history take an in-depth course in the subject), or use the time to brush up on skills that you’re fuzzy on but you know you will need in the future (like a writing or math course). this way, you can demonstrate your specialized interest in a particular subject, or show that you are taking the necessary steps to ensure future success. and to admissions officers, these are both really good things. in terms of having the course count as an AP, this depends on the district. i have worked in the philadelphia public school district, and the policy there is that the courses are separate from the regular high school course load and do not show up on the transcript. however, the classes are free and the student earns college credits that can (usually) be used towards their regular degree requirements, depending on where the student ends up going. i would suggest that you talk to your guidance counselor (or go to your school district’s website) for the specific policy that applies to your area.